Over the last few weeks I've been thinking about why I love being married to Ethan and originally I thought how lucky we were in 'finding' each other to be able to have the relationship we have. However after thinking about it a bit more I realised that is it actually nothing to do with luck but rather the way we treat and value our relationship. For this reason I thought I would make a little list of things that I think have made all the difference in creating a marriage full of complete happiness! Now I know everyone is different and what works for some people doesn't work for others, there are so many ways to create a happy marriage, these are just some of the things that I have found work for us. I also know that we have only been married for 8 months, which in the grand scheme of things is an incredibly short amount of time, however a good marriage has to start somewhere. It shouldn't have to become a 'good marriage' over time (although I'm sure it will only get better if we continue to make it a priority), surely you can make it happy from the very beginning through the things that you do and the way that you treat each other. Anyway, enough of me trying to justify why I have written this post, here is my list of 14 things... :) (I will admit a couple are ideas that we have seen on the internet that we have adjusted to work with our relationship, but they can all be found on my pinterest
http://pinterest.com/jocwilkinson/eternal-happiness-aka-marriage/)
1. We put each other first and make each others happiness our own.
I think this is one of the most important things, if I've been able to make Ethan happy during the day then it's been a good day. One of my favourite things is doing something that I know will make Ethan happy particularly when he's not expecting it like getting some Cadbury giant buttons for him in my way home or making the house (or currently our room as we're living with friends over the summer) all tidy before he comes home from work. The wonderful part is that it's mutual. Today for example, Ethan knows I love watching Wimbledon, and so he encouraged me to go downstairs and enjoy it while it's on rather than be productive like he was being. So I spent a good couple of hours watching Wimbledon whilst painting my nails (something I do every year whilst watching Wimbledon for some reason) thinking that Ethan was just doing the bits and pieces that he needed to get done. At 6.30 Ethan came in to the living room which I expected to be so that we could decide what we wanted to have for dinner and then we'd make it, but instead Ethan came in with dinner all made! (A delicious pasta and meatballs). Not only had he done that but he had also hoovered the room, sorted the washing and put the clean bedding back on the bed all without me knowing so I could enjoy Wimbledon! I felt so loved!
Which leads me to my second point...
2. We make a point of asking how each of us have felt loved.
We vary in how regularly we ask each other, sometimes once a week and other times a few days in a row but its such a good thing because I find it allows me to think back over all the kind things Ethan has done because its easy to either forget or not notice and it also reminds me that I definitely am loved. It also means we are able to show our appreciation for things that we do for each other and show that we don't take for granted the little things that each of us do for each other.
3. Don't criticise.
This was something I learnt by experience. There is more than one way of getting things done and just because you do it one way doesn't make a different way better or worse. By criticising the way someone does something not only do you probably offend your spouse, but you're also not appreciating the effort they have made for you. I've decided that it is 10 times better to show my appreciation when Ethan does something for me and enjoy the fact that we do things differently rather than be critical because I pridefully think that my way is better.
4. Praise and be grateful.
When Ethan does something that I am grateful for or has done something really well I don't just think it, I make sure I say it and vice versa. It makes my day when Ethan says he's proud of me for doing something or is really thankful for something that I have done or says how beautiful I look that day :)
5. Companionship inventory.
This is something that Ethan did on his mission, which again is something we don't do too often but it's really good when we do. It is basically a time where we are both able to bring up anything that we feel that either of us could maybe work on or change, but because it is said in the context of companionship inventory it is very building and completely non critical so neither of us come away feeling negative. In fact, I often feel very positive about whatever we have talked about! We tend to do it in quite an informal way and often without planning to, by asking things like 'What can I do slightly better?' or 'What do I do that you would rather I didn't?' etc. which has lead to use realising that one of us didn't like it when the other said a particular word and other little things that you wouldn't always mention to avoid causing offence. By reviewing our relationship every now and then it avoids explosive arguments when things have been held in.
6. We laugh.
This might seem a bit pointless or obvious but I think its really important to be able to just laugh and have fun, which we do a lot! There are plenty of things in life to be serious about so it's the best to be able to come home to Ethan and be able to laugh and be silly when we want. We have had our fair share of sock fights and 'sumo wrestles' in our times. I married my best friend who is always able to make me laugh, I think marriage should definitely be full of laughter! :)
7. We make the effort to understand how each other 'work'
For example, when I'm really tired I get very irrational and everything becomes a really big deal but by the morning I'm completely happy and rational again. When we were first married theses irrational moments would lead to Ethan spending a good while trying to calm me down which in reality never really worked too well because I was so tired and just would not be thinking reasonably in any way. Now however, Ethan knows if I get upset about something late at night when I'm really tired all he needs to do is cuddle me as talking never solves anything and by the morning I'm completely happy again :)
8. Give affection freely.
I don't think you should ever have to work for affection, it's just not kind. Give affection freely, it makes you feel so much more loved when affection is shown often and is not based on any conditions or terms.
9. Pray together.
I think almost every evening before we go to sleep we pray together, I think we have only missed one or two nights since we have been married. I don't think I can actually go to sleep now without doing so. It's a lovely time in which we are able to express our gratitude for the things that have happened that day, pray for our baby, our families, our relationship, each other and anything else. It is also a humbling time, as mentioned in number 7, when I'm tired I'm not a very nice person to be around sometimes and I often get very grumpy, but you can't pray when you're grumpy! So whatever it is that I am making a fuss about I often realise isn't important and quickly stop being grumpy and we go to sleep happy :)
10. Avoid heated arguments.
Everyone are bound to have disagreements at some point, but they don't have to be heated, angry arguments where unkind words are spoken and voices are raised. If there is something that Ethan and I disagree on we generally try and just talk about it in a gentle loving way. I remember when we were dating there was something that we weren't agree on yet we were still sat holding hands whilst being unimpressed with each other! Every now and then I will sulk for a little bit (I'm quite good at that! Haha) but after a few minutes I go and cuddle Ethan and apologise to each other as it's just not a nice feeling not being happy with each other and 'peace is restored in the Wilkinson household' as Ethan would say :) Never hold grudges, they are not kind or nice for anyone involved, even if you feel justified in your reasoning!
11. Talk!
Talk about everything and anything! Your hopes, dreams, fears, worries, and all the little things in between. I'm pretty certain that it is a lie when people say women are mind readers, I know I'm definitely not! So I really appreciate it when Ethan tells me how he is feeling about something because the chances are I have no idea! We are both so much more able to respond to each other's needs when we actually KNOW what those needs are. There is also something very comforting that comes from knowing that you can tell your spouse anything that is worrying or troubling you, but I think that only comes from having built up a trusting relationship though talking about the little things as well as the big :) It is also incredibly bonding and brings a lovely spirit when we talk about things relating to church, such as what we have read in the scriptures that day or talking about a lesson we have been in on sunday or a lesson that either of us are planning. Some of my favourite conversations have been when we have been talking about gospel topics :)
12. Our relationship is OURS!
So no one else should be involved. We both have wonderful parents who we both love very much, however our relationship is ours not theirs and so they don't interfere or take sides or anything like that. The relationship each of us have with our parents should never cause the other to feel threatened or of lesser importance in anyway. I love my parents and siblings so much but my husband is my first priority and no one comes before him. From what I've seen when other people start getting involved in other people's relationships either family or friends, that's when things start getting messy.
13. Live within your means.
This is one that might not be so obvious but again I think is very important. There is a great amount of peace and happiness that can come from knowing that you are living within your means with no debt. (Now both Ethan and I are students, so we have student finance debt, but that is unavoidable if you want to go to university so I will ignore that). We do not spend more than we have by using the generous overdrafts that we have access to as students and even have savings! We are sensible in the way we spend our money which means we are able to treat ourselves to dinner out or other things that we enjoy every now and then. Living in debt can bring so much unnecessary stress to a marriage that can be VERY detrimental.
14. Intimacy.
I wasn't going add this one as it's way more personal than the rest, but it is SO important that I couldn't not. But developing an intimate relationship that is full of love and trust is just so important. It is also beneficial to be able to talk openly and comfortably about it, which is actually not very easy sometimes. We have found a book that my mum gave us when we got married called 'And They Were Not Ashamed' by Laura Brotherson really good for prompting conversation where we can openly talk about it without feeling uncomfortable in any way. But I shall leave it at that as it is a rather personal thing.
I could carry on for days I think, I have already been writing this over 3 days (admittedly I have been watching Wimbledon each time I have been writing) but these are some of the things that I think are so important for our relationship and have contributed to it being a marriage full or more happiness than I ever expected! :)
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| He makes my life such a beautiful place! |
